| wrecking ball |
[30 Nov 2008|03:25pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Belle and Sebastian - Mayfly |
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so i havent visited this place in a long time. ive noticed that i come back to this journal every time i leave it. my excuse is that i have been changing. although old feelings are still there, i still feel like i am different then how i was.
its relieving.
lately there has been a lot of pressure keeping up with me. choices i dont wish to choose. steven is telling me about the most beautiful song he has ever written. honestly, i dont want to listen... i have my own big ole' complicated brain to pour out.
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| paradox of life and creation, based on Tara Carreon’s transcription |
[29 Jan 2007|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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Thelonious Monk and John Coltrane - Monk's Mood |
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It’s such a strange paradox. I mean, while, technically, I’m closer to the end of my life than I’ve ever been, I actually feel more than ever that I have all the time in the world. When I was younger, there was a desperation, a desire for certainty, like there was an end to the path, and I had to get there. Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration. And this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. Like, you know, "water." We came up with a sound for that. Or "Saber-toothed tiger right behind you." We came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we’re experiencing. What is, like, frustration? Or what is anger or love? Because words are inert. They’re just symbols. They’re dead. And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It’s unspeakable. And yet when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we’ve connected, and we think that we’re understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it’s what we live for.
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[16 Nov 2006|03:24am] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
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music |
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Brian Eno-An Ending Ascent |
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it's time for me to grow up. i have hated myself for a good 6 months. it's time to change that.
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[15 Nov 2006|03:33pm] |
i am more that excited to see joey and danielle saturday. I am getting hard earned money saturday afternoon and i will spend it all with joey and dani, FA SHO.
many times i often laughed at the shit we did. it was fun: gay bar with elisa, first time i met him was at the as cities burn show, great time. dani i met first at the mall, great time as well.
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[13 Nov 2006|08:07pm] |
friday i am staying in new orleans, saturday i am going to mandeville. i miss joey. saturday morning i am going to work at a film set and help work with lighting and background work.
i woke up and ate nothing, all day my stomach growled then i smoked uptown and my stomach suprisingly happened to settle down from it's bitching. i made a pizza and ate two delicious granola bars. i want to hang out with my old friends, and i miss them terribly.
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[09 Nov 2006|11:55am] |
it's been ages since i have posted on here. so now that i have the time to be a normal kid, i wish to tell you how much i have fucked up lately.
i hate these friends i have
i want to be in love
drugs are really useless, but fun
i have lost all my real friends and i guess i deserve it.
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[26 Sep 2006|12:10am] |
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cody died, fuck.
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[19 Sep 2006|08:23pm] |
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no one really knows me, no one knows anyone. i like two things: george orwell, and i don't know. i packed my bags last night. I want to move somewhere nice, preferably somewhere that smells fresh. i burped and smoke came out and i live without knowing my dog died. so currently i dont know my dog died of pneumonia. i ate funyons and smoked two cigarettes. i pursued the task of push-ups and ate a popcicle. i masturbated to broadband internet porn and went to sleep. i woke up and ate a waffle. smoked two cigarettes and drove to school. napped during english and acted like an ass in history(regret). drove home, smoked two cigarettes, listened to bob dylan's attept to sing(he doesn't sing, he warbles). i took a two hour shower with music blaring in the background, attempted to sing(i dont sing, i groan). got out of the shower, watched a movie, scratched my head, and ate grapes. now i am talking to my brother about weed(a sad sad sad discussion).
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[26 Aug 2006|10:30pm] |
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i fucked up bad
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[09 Aug 2006|02:05am] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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Oh No! Oh My! - Lisa, Make Love! (It's Okay!) |
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i want a fucking Girlfriend
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[08 Aug 2006|02:59pm] |
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1 more minute till i am out of here
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[03 Aug 2006|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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envious |
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music |
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Owen - In The Morning, Before Work |
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i hate being weird. there is another matthew bigelow. he lives up north i think. he apparently writes really great essays. i want to meet him, he seems like a loser. and i am sorry to admit, but i am pretty lonely or whatever.
i want a girlfriend and all the good stuff. i would describe what i would want, but i would embarrass myself. claire danes is insanely gorgeous. i am too lame to have anyone if that makes sense. i hope i go on a trip soon. not a trip out of town, just a trip with friends. i love my friends. i hope they love me. greg wants to go on a long trip tomorrow. i don't know really... how it''ll work out. he wants to visit his girl for a while. she would be happy, that's good, hah! so i am boring. i have a box of staples to the left of me, and other irregular things lying around. i want to college now. anyone want to make a band?
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[30 Jul 2006|01:39am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Pavement - Greenlander |
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i want to gather flint and cameras filled with dirt. and when the cars fly by we can bless the arrows where the sun will never stall. avantgarde pills. blue poison. and our home below the gum stained table.
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[20 Jul 2006|12:48pm] |
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music |
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Bob Dylan – To Ramona |
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i am at work working. hate it.
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| truth |
[18 Jul 2006|06:25pm] |
i hate everything about this house. i need to leave. i want to fuckin run. but i just don't. eh, i am fucking trash. i just feel like trash and indulge in it as if i have nothing else to lose, and i dont. i dont care about my future, really. i'll just live i guess... until i die. we find all these diminutive and inessential things to agonize over. you shouldn't care. "i got so fucked up, i died." "well i fucking see you standing there, don't i?"
i called a girl yesterday and she told me to 'fuck off', and i smiled.
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[10 Jul 2006|09:16am] |
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i think i am literally choking. eating an apple, and choking. whatever.
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[29 Jun 2006|09:16pm] |
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mood |
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exanimate |
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music |
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Atombombpocketknife - Gold Leaf |
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a simple word, are you there in the country? yr eyes so full, yr head so tight can't you hear me? remember our talk that day on the phone? i was the door, and you were the station with shattered glass and miles between us we still flew away in the conversation this is eric's trip we've all come to watch him slip he's slipping all the way to Texas can you dig it?
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[27 Jun 2006|12:13pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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Bob Dylan - I Shall Be Free No.10 |
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i hope sam is ok.
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[24 Jun 2006|10:42am] |
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mood |
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 sore |
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music |
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Bob Dylan - I Shall Be Free No.10 |
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well, i set my monkey on the log
and ordered him to do the dog
he wagged his tail and shook his head
and he went and did the cat instead
he's a weird monkey, very funky.
breakfast was good. i am going to play kickball. i'm a poet, and i know it, hope i don't blow it.
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[22 Jun 2006|04:01am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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Fugazi - Oh |
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sam is so fun
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